Discovering Self!


With my head laid idly on the spongy pillow and my folded hands rested on my chest, I often dig deep down into my brain in search of answers to the certain significant questions that has been running through the wires of my brain for ages. Frustrated, anxious, and perplexed I have been through, still faint and imprecise the image that I so desire to perceive. It is a total strange to find how difficult it is to understand self and to discover the sole purpose of one’s existence. For more than 20 years I have been breathing and I wonder sometimes what I have been doing all those years for I didn’t spare single a second to know myself. I remember reading stories of fictitious characters, biographies of long dead leaders and pioneers, environments, societies and its inhabitants, and so on, but never me. If any question is asked about me, dumbfounded for sure I would remain. No definite response do I have to give you!
Do you want to play football? Fine, let’s do that! I would concede. Whatever you are having! Doing! I have been doing what they do. I’ve been eating what they eat. I have never been myself. I never had my own life, but mimicry of others and their commands. Now that I realized, I have never tried to learn what I like, what I want and the kind of person I am. It’s all about the vast world and I forgot my own. I play games, sing and dance, draw, teach, counsel, and a lot more, but none of them pleasures me a minute. I learnt them with my friends while they were jovially engaged in them. But now they don’t interest me anymore and I have nothing I enjoy doing. It sounds crazy, but for real I am bereft of any interest.
Sixteen years of education and additional one year of professional training I have lived devouring and assimilating everything fed upon me, and now I see myself as dignified someone with pride and ego upheld in the kind of identity I am known by to society, but it isn’t me. Not a real me. Every time I look into the mirror, the figure in reflection never had me feel like my own but someone else. It is like I am looking at another person who resembles me- someone I know but not really. It scares me sometimes to look at that person in the mirror. Loathed sometimes and pitied at times, but confusingly I often long to get closer to him and know him well. I ought to figure that out for the clarity of my aspiration and desire in which I find my joy.
I get dressed and my hairs neatly combed back every day, but I walk lost in thousands of thoughts to work that wears me out before working and my day is spoilt from the start. I know I don’t like following times and order, but I follow and it gets on nerves. I don’t like crowds and being pushed and pulled, but still I am trapped in it. Why is it so difficult for me to get through such nasty world? I know there’s something I want- something I like doing and enjoy to bits. But what is it that I really seek?

With my notion to adapt and find interest in the job I am doing now, I received it delightfully and given my all. And I see myself pretty accomplished in it and no difficulties I find so far. Well paid and hallowed, safe and clean, still there is something missing in it. No matter how assiduously I endeavor and accomplish, I am always dissatisfied and unhappy with it. Something is really amiss. I don’t find enjoyment in it and I am all cursed with demotivation. I think it isn’t my cup of coffee. There is one, somewhere on earth, where I belong to- something I can sleep with and one that could suffice my hunger- and I must get hold of it before I fall into the black hole. Months and years might it take in venturing on self-discovery, but even if I have to circumambulate the earth, I ought to gather my thoughts together and direct myself towards the place I belong to for my peace at stake. I don’t want to suffocate anymore in this vicinity that never meant for me.  I don’t want to waste my innate potentials and knowledge which are still limbering to be used for better cause. Most importantly, purpose I must fulfill of my presence on earth and find a real happiness from being true self, shedding off the façade of someone I never was. 

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